Crossroads

I am aware. I am just scrapping through this semester. The course load is becoming much more than I can bear.

It started out with three nights a week, with three subjects. Now, the commitment has increased to five nights per week and six subjects to bear. The school has also implemented stricter measures making the schedule more inflexible for us.

If I continue, I know I will manage the exams somehow. However, what will I gain and lost as a result?

The final destination is to be able to hold a license to practise. I see myself managing the health of my loved ones. Quite a hefty responsibility that I have placed upon myself for it is so much easier to ring the doctor up. However, I believe prevention is better than cure. As the national statistics show, the average Singaporean is living longer. Alas, this lengthened life expectancy is fraud with many more unhealthy years than healthy years i.e. we are living out our later years with more illnesses. This is the exact situation I am trying to avoid by taking on TCM.

What have I lost? Time.

I am well aware time and tide waits for no man. It is also the reason why I did not stop at one and continued till three children. The boys have reached their precious growing up years and I really see no other reason in life that is more important than watching them grow up. I balked at a colleague’s wife who left her two children, one less than a year old, to pursue a three year PhD overseas. I was concerned as I knew her husband was pretty much a workaholic too. I cannot fathom what ungodly strength can pull her away from her closest kins. I might not be any better. At the very least, she gets to focus on her studies unlike me, struggling to stay afloat.

Meow, seeing how stressed I was last semester hinted to me to consider suspending or stopping my studies. He hates to see me being so hard on myself, although he tries to dissuade me from the practical side of things. I must admit, I was initially very pissed with him. I raged at him all my grievances and accusations. Meow took it all in quietly.

Now, however as the new year approaches, the pessimist in me is beginning to feel a new wave of trepidation and fear for what is to come. I worry I may not handle it all since the kids need more of my attention. I am seriously considering giving it all up. Suspending my studies is not an option for me because I know that once I stopped, I will lose the momentum to pick my studies up again.

Should I for the sake of my family and sanity give up now?

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