Conversations with Xxm: Heart wrenching moment

On our way home together today, I told Xxm that I have night classes tonight and nainai (paternal grandmother) will be picking him up at the road junction later.

Xxm: Didi (Xmm) is always looking for mummy when mummy goes to Mindchamps (we share the same location for my classes and his weekly enrichment class).

Me: Really?

Xxm: Nainai tells didi mummy goes to work.

It is hardly surprising to learn that Xmm seeks for me in his waking hours. In fact, it is daily routine for me to zip off to work with him insisting, wailing and at times begging to join me. Times like this, I just hardened my heart, say a quick bye and zoom away.

However this evening, to have my 3 year old point out that Xmm misses me, tears at this mum’s heart, shatters it and left me sad and forlorn. I know my children are watching me, not judging me as yet but to view me from a reflective lens, it was totally unexpected for me. This brief conversation left me perturbed the entire evening in class. I was not able to focus and gradually I developed a strong resentment for the remaining members of the household for failing to highlight this to me. Thoughts of if I had known, I would do this and that. Perhaps I should just cuddle him another 5 minutes each morning before I say my goodbyes. Perhaps I should just bring him along to work with me, just like what I am doing with Xxm now. Perhaps, you know…..

I love you darlings, more than what mummy can show, say or write on this blog.


The first time I held Xmm in my arms.

Footnote: I called home midway through class and questioned Meow if what Xxm said was true. He denies it. I don’t know who to believe.



  1. I think we all feel the mummy guilt at some point, especially working mothers. You’re not alone! But anyway, yes I do think it would help to shower the kids with more attention and cuddles before leaving for work (as much as we are rushing for time) and tell them that you will be back at a certain time, so they hve something to look forward to! That’s what I do, even for my 15 month old!

    • Yes, you are right. Children do understand even when they are so young. I have seen it in my eldest, as he fought back his feelings and tell me to go wherever I need to even though he knows I won’t be by his side. So much tolerance and understanding from a 3 year old, yet sometimes as adults we have failed to practice.

  2. I understand how you feel, because I’m in the same boat. I wish I have a good solution to this, but I don’t. What I do is to make sure that I let the kids know that I love them, but I have to be away in the day to work. Hugs, hang in there!

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